Choosing to live in JOY on the anniversary of my daughter's passing.

 

Four years ago today, my daughter passed away.

I woke up yesterday, and it felt like it was just like any other day, which was completely out of character for me. For the past 3 years, I’d awoken to tears and meltdowns—every single time.

(My mourning for the past 3 years always began the day before because it was just this horribly long 48 unending period for me. The 23^rd was just the beginning of the end.)

Last year was a bit different, though. I still woke up crying, feeling like I couldn’t breathe, but it didn’t last throughout the day. I had made plans to go out. To get out of my comfort zone and do something besides sit here and mourn. I signed myself and my ‘adopted daughter’ to a paint night. The painting was called Ethereal Evening. How perfect! It was as if my daughter had handpicked the event just for me. Given some of the miracles I attribute all to her, I’m not entirely sure she hadn’t  had a hand in it.

I also spent the next year doing things I’d never have done before her passing. I drove to New York to see her big brothers. I hadn’t seen them since the funeral. I took a mini-vacation. (I was supposed to knock 3 places off my list, but…Covid…) I published TWO books. I took two online courses for mediumship and started developing my own connections to the Otherside. I prayed more. I loved harder. I meditated longer. I was determined to move past the heaviest grieving and find the joy I needed to continue living for the next 30+ years.

I woke up today, and I’m sad that it happened. I’m sad my beautiful daughter is not here to enjoy this chilly Sunday morning with me. But for the most part, today doesn’t feel hopeless and breathless. Setting the intention last year to find joy again and live my best left really made the difference, I believe. And I truly am.

And I wish I could shout that from the rooftops.

Because I know so many mamas (and dads) out there who are not living in any joy. Who feel guilty for outliving their children. Who feel guilty for laughing or having a good time. Who are drowning in their grief. I want to hug you all and tell you despite what you’ve been told and how you feel right now, you can still live a life with purpose, hope, and joy. It does get better. You don’t hear that enough, and you should!

I had to remove myself from a few “support groups” because the message/vibe being put out was a lie. “Things Never Get Better” was their unofficial anthem.  They have it all wrong. Life will never be the same. That’s a given. A parent will NEVER forget the child they lost. That, too, is a given. But the idea that things will never get better is a lie. Parents need to hear that IT DOES GET BETTER. 

Louise Hay wrote a famous book titled “You Can Heal Your Life.” I always wished she put in parentheses (IF YOU WANT TO!) Not just as a disclaimer, but because it’s the truth! It is the same way with grieving a child. Things Can Get Better. Things CAN get BETTER. When someone asks, does it ever get any better, the answer is YES!!

It has to be a choice. You have to choose it. You have to want it. You have to KNOW that you can make it better. And then make it better. I get so sad when a parent asks if it gets better only to hear a resounding NO. How disheartening and completely defeating to hear! To be at one's lowest point, only to be told there is no way out of this. This needs to change.

Of course, I’m speaking of normal grief. I understand that there is something out there called complicated grief. Those parents may need help with a professional trained to deal with that specific type of suffering. But I’m not speaking about that today. However, I suffer from complex PTSD, and I’m STILL living in JOY. I add that because I want you to know that there is still hope.  

Losing my child will always be the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. I will never not want her to be here. But I also know she doesn’t want me to stop living. I want to stress that my love for her will never be measured in how hard I grieve. I agree that child loss is something that we don’t ever ‘get over.’ It will be with us, always. However, as long as I breathe, I will choose to live in joy, no matter what.